20 Ways to Survive Tourist Season in DC

1. Don’t drive! Everyone knows that driving in DC is as stressful as meeting your fiancé’s parents for the first time, but tourists who have never encountered a roundabout are enough to drive a Buddhist monk to road rage. They can’t decide what lane to get into. They drive two miles per hour while passing buildings we see every day. They drive two miles per hour when they can’t figure out how to get somewhere. In addition, the extra duck boats and tourist buses are a real headache, especially when they are loading/unloading or double parked so the tourists can take photos. Your lungs and nose will be left in discomfort if you get stuck being an exhaust spewing coach that is taking up two lanes so you can’t pass it.

2. Keep your distance from the mall. A million extra people are crammed into this space at various points throughout the season. As residents, we have year round access to the monuments, so we can visit in the autumn when these people go back to where they came from. Going to this area just invites frustration.

3. Visit restaurants and bars in non-tourist sections of DC. There are many great establishments further out in DC like those in Tenleytown or Chevy Chase. Those residents located in more central DC should explore these places in an effort to reduce the crowds at centrally located establishments. Besides, who wants to sit next to a family of four rambling on about how they are going to do this and that as if they were the first and only family to ever see these sites?

4. Watch out for the parking nazis. With tourist season, the DC parking police are out in full force. If you have to drive, you’ll spend extra driving time looking for a legitimate spot to park (do those exist?) DC would rather you drive home drunk than leave your car overnight in a no-parking zone, so just remember to find a legit place to park and leave it there!

5. Go on daytrips. DC is so close to many great historic sites that will be populated with tourists who are not interfering with your day-to-day activities. It will be a break from the maddening frustration you feel since your city has been invaded by outsiders. A great activity is hiking in Shenandoah. Being outside gives you some elbow room, and some fresh air will do you good.

6. Have more cookouts with friends. Instead of going out, turn your house/apartment into a place of entertainment! It clears up the streets, reduces crowding in bars, and can be fun if you know how to host. If you’re a bad host, persuade your friends to do it at their places. If you have no friends, ask your block if they want to throw a street party. It is an excellent way to finally get a life and have some friends! Provided that you don’t live on a main road with no way to cookout, you could even get a permit to shut down the street for a few hours to let the kids play.

7. Leave for work a little early. This is especially true if you ride Metro, since the tourists will be wandering out of their hotels wanting to get an “early start.” Although it sucks to lose those precious extra minutes of sleep, it is worth it to avoid stressing out and getting pushed around on an already crowded Metro or sidewalk. A plus to this is that you will actually have more time in the day to pursue your goals in life. Stop putting off your dreams!

8. Don’t even try to get a seat on the Metro. Tourists don’t want to be bothered with moving their bags from the empty seats beside them. They don’t care if their party of ten is hogging the whole car. They don’t care if their children are running up and down the train. They don’t seem to know that people actually LIVE in DC. It’s like a giant museum to them. If you have to use Metro, and this is especially true on the blue line, enter with the assumption that you will be standing on top of some stranger. If you’re lucky, he will have showered in the morning. Setting your mind to standing, even if you have to ride for a half hour, will greatly reduce the psychological tension you may feel when entering the crowded train.

If you must sit down while riding, here are a few tips:

Know where to stand on the platform. Getting to the doors first is half the battle.
Learn to recognize the signs of a person who is about to get up. This includes folding a newspaper, packing a bag, or just general shuffling.
Win your seat. Don’t hesitate or it’s gone.

9. Wear earplugs or headphones on the Metro and other public places. Tourists don’t care if the whole train hears their conversations about what television shows they are going to watch in the hotel. They don’t care if their kids are screaming in public places. You will hear, “Hello! I’m on the subway!” countless times over the summer from cell phone wielding tourists who find it necessary to call home every hour like they are missing out on life by being away from the burbs. Beware of the tourist from Texas, because they are especially loud. You will notice them by their hats. Texans tend to believe that the world revolves around Texas.

10. Always look ahead when walking. Those of us who live in DC are usually trying to get somewhere. Tourists, on the other hand, are happy to stay exactly where they are. Being ignorant of the ways of the capital, tourists will happily stop dead in the middle of the sidewalk or even the road for a photo. Two tourists can completely block a sidewalk in seconds, causing pedestrian gridlock. Large groups of schoolchildren, if left unattended, can suddenly seal off half of the city. The worst is a tourist with a cell phone. Also, beware of tourists with backpacks, for they can decide to stop suddenly and swing the backpack with no regard to their surroundings. This is especially dangerous if they have been shopping, for the packs are fuller. When using sidewalks, you may want to wear a helmet.

11. Be prepared for physical contact. If there is anything worse than big groups of tourists on the sidewalks, it is big groups of tourists on the escalator at the Woodley Park-Zoo/Adams Morgan stop blocking the entire escalator as they play with their panda toys and complain that they threw their Metro card away. After all, how could they know that they’d need to take a return trip? During times like these, you need to put your head down, square your shoulders, and plow through them. Don’t let their comments of rudeness deter you, for you have become a mirror, and they are only calling themselves names.

12. Carry a garbage bag with you. With the millions of tourists comes litter. You have to wonder what some of the communities where these people live look like. And how in the world can people eat so many chips? If you don’t feel like carrying the garbage bag, you can at least bend down to pick up garbage that doesn’t make your hand sticky.

13. Be prepared for ignorant comments. The most common idiocies you’ll overhear are arguments about which state DC is in, what the name of the Washington Monument is, and almost anything political that comes from a tourist’s mouth. The trick is to learn to ignore these things or to be prepared to interject with correct facts. If you wish to do the latter, be prepared for those tourists who are offended by a stranger talking to them. A common reaction to this is a facial mutation where the tourist looks like he has just seen an alien. Some other comments:

“I'd lika one of them there latta things- with uh an extra shot of that expressa stuff.”

“How many more opportunities are we gonna have to see the monuments before they get bombed?”

“Is that the post office where they had the anthrax?” (said about any post office they pass)

14. Have your money out and ready to pay while in line. Tourists slow down lines. Sometimes it may seem like you aren’t even moving. They have to dig through their fanny packs or their backpacks to find their money. Be weary of the ones that have separate credit cards for different expenses like hotel, food, and souvenirs. Also watch out for squirmy children who appear out of nowhere when you are carrying coffee or food. It may end up on the ground or on you if you are not careful.

15. Be entertained by them! They can do some really idiotic things, so if you want a means of free entertainment, park yourself at a bench in an area populated by tourists and just watch.

16. Beware of protests. With the warmer weather comes protest season. This means streets are closed, activists come from all parts of the country, and hearts adorn sleeves. With protests inevitably come counter-protests, and the potential for clashes, even violent ones, is real. The protests sometimes can be entertaining to watch or take part in, but be vigilant. The recent crackdown on civil liberties in the country has taken away the full right to assembly, and there is always the risk that an innocent bystander could be arrested.

17. Wear political gear. A lot of people who voted for the other guy are going to be visiting the city. Let them know that they may have given you that guy, but they are in the minority when they come to your town. Did you take your bumper sticker off? Put it back on! Put your sign back up!

18. Encourage your friends and family to wait until the off season to visit. The fewer people we have here during crunch time, the easier our lives will be.

19. Be nice to them. They are good for the local economy, for one thing. For another, they are actually getting off their couches and trying new things and should be commended for that. Teach them something- you’ll only make the world a little better place by reducing ignorance. You can always curse them in the privacy of your home.

20. Think positive! At least it’s not the Inauguration!

politik

info on mideast reform:

The Ibn Khaldun Center for Development Studies (ICDS, Egypt, www.eicds.org) published Reform Initiatives in the Arab World (2004), a compilation of reports, proposals, and declarations from the Arab world, such as the “Sana’a Declaration on Democracy, Human Rights, and the Role of the International Criminal Court,” the March 2004 final declaration of the Alexandria Library conference, the “Doha Declaration for Democracy and Reform,” and the final recommendations of the First Civil Forum that met in Beirut in March 2004. The collection also includes speeches and documents from Western political leaders and selected intergovernmental agreements on democracy and human rights. Visit www.eicds.org/en/publications/books/book02.asp for the complete book.
The December 2004 issue of Civil Society, the Center’s monthly journal, included articles on the rise of pseudomonarchies in the Middle East, an assessment of democratic reforms (proposed or undertaken) in 2004 in Egypt, Sudan, Syria, Libya, and other countries, and an essay by Hassan Elsawaf on the situation of the Coptic minority in Egypt. Visit www.eicds.org/en/publications/civilsociety/civilsociety.asp for complete texts.

The Turkish Economic and Social Studies Foundation (TESEV, www.tesev.org.tr) has launched the TESEV Monitoring Project, which will chart Turkey’s progress in adopting the political and economic reforms necessary for admission to the European Union. The project will not only monitor Turkey’s reforms but will also seek to ensure that the EU applies the same criteria to Turkey that were applied to other accession countries. Mensur Akgün, director of foreign policy studies at TESEV, is coordinating the research. For more information, write to him at makgun@tesev.org.tr.
TESEV and the Geneva Centre for the Democratic Control of Armed Forces published Democratic Oversight of the Security Sector: Turkey and the World (2005), edited by Volkan Aytar, the first in a series of security studies conducted by the two institutes. The 200-page Turkish-language book is available at www.tesev.org.tr/projeler/guvenlik_Sektoru_metin.pdf.

yum yum

Have you ever played Junior Pacman? I've only seen it at a bar that has a machine with a bunch of other games from the 80s. I'm intrigued by the story of junior pacman and yum yum ghost and their romance. I've only gotten to the screen where junior and yum yum run away together because their parents won't let them see each other. I think it's kind of sick, actually. I mean, doesn't pacman eat the ghosts? Or are they monsters? I can't decide. But, if junior and yum yum get into a fight, will junior eat her?