Head on over to Fark.com to see "Partisan children's books."
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Charmucks = Corporate Communism
Someday, we aren't going to be able to say anything. PC you think I am talking about? No, it's corporate trademarks. I'll never be able to understand why some people refer to being sensitive to others or politically correct or whatever you want to call it as the thought police, but when corporations do the same crap, it's ok.Charmucks is suing over the use of the term "double shot." An espresso is called a shot. Two espressos is a double shot. It's English, not a trademark.
You want to talk about tort reform? How about addressing these stupid frivolous corporate lawsuits, ye hypocrites?
Friday, April 21, 2006
$$$$
Senate Democrats Ahead in Cash Race
The DSCC reported raising $6.9 million in March, bringing its total for the 2005-2006 cycle to $56.4 million, with $32.1 million in the bank. The NRSC reported raising $5 million in March, bringing its total to $50.4 million for the cycle, with $16.5 million in the bank.
In an equally significant development, the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee reported having $23 million in the bank, almost equaling -- for the first time in memory -- the cash balance of the National Republican Congressional Committee, which was $24.4 million.
The Democratic National Committee reported quarterly figures showing that it has raised $74.1 million so far in the 2005-2006 cycle. That puts the party on track to break its 2001-2002 record of $93.4 million for a year with no presidential election -- with the best months for pulling in cash still to come as the midterm elections approach.I'm going to have no problem gloating when we knock the gops out in November.
Saturday, April 15, 2006
More paranoia
NEW YORK --The police bomb squad, responding Friday to a call of a suspicious device inside a parked minivan in midtown Manhattan, blew out the vehicle's windows -- only to find out the item inside was simply stereo equipment, police said.
The incident occurred when police received a 911 call from a passer-by who spotted the device inside a red minivan parked outside 4 E. 67th St., said police spokesman Dennis Laffin. It was a canister about the size of two shoe boxes, with a digital display of changing numbers and some loose wires visible.
"It looked suspicious," Laffin said. "I think anyone would have thought something was strange."
The police bomb squad responded after the 8:22 a.m. call, blowing out three side windows and the back window with a water propelled charge, Laffin said at the scene. A police robot was sent inside the van to take pictures of the device; the photos led police to determine the package was nothing more than stereo equipment.
The van's owner, a Bronx resident, has yet to hear the bad news about his windows.
The incident occurred when police received a 911 call from a passer-by who spotted the device inside a red minivan parked outside 4 E. 67th St., said police spokesman Dennis Laffin. It was a canister about the size of two shoe boxes, with a digital display of changing numbers and some loose wires visible.
"It looked suspicious," Laffin said. "I think anyone would have thought something was strange."
The police bomb squad responded after the 8:22 a.m. call, blowing out three side windows and the back window with a water propelled charge, Laffin said at the scene. A police robot was sent inside the van to take pictures of the device; the photos led police to determine the package was nothing more than stereo equipment.
The van's owner, a Bronx resident, has yet to hear the bad news about his windows.
Friday, April 14, 2006
More Christian dictatorship
TV station refuses to air game on Good Friday
WILKES-BARRE, Pa. (AP) - A television station declined to broadcast a baseball game because it was being played on Good Friday.I am so sick of Christians discriminating against non-Christians or even non-practicing Christians.
WNEP-TV, which traditionally televises the home opener of the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Red Barons, said it would not air Friday night's game against Norfolk at Lackawanna County Stadium.
"Good Friday is not an appropriate day for us to do that," C. Lou Kirchen, the station's president and general manager, said on a recent broadcast.
Instead, the station was to air local news, followed by the tabloid show "Inside Edition," an episode of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" and then "Primetime," featuring an interview with Tom Cruise.
Good Friday is one of the most solemn days on the Christian calendar, when believers mark the crucifixion of Jesus.
Jeremy Ruby — general manager of the team, which is a minor league affiliate of the Philadelphia Phillies — said he was not surprised by WNEP's decision. He noted that he had decided against holding a fireworks show after the game because of the holiday.
"We were getting pressure from the Catholic community, and that's understandable," Ruby said.
Bill Genello, a spokesman for the Diocese of Scranton, said Good Friday is "a very solemn day in the life of the church." But he said the diocese cannot prohibit anyone from attending a sporting event on Good Friday.
Word of the day
Desuetude \DES-wih-tood, -tyood\, noun:
The cessation of use; discontinuance of practice or custom; disuse.
Use: Reason and common sense in policymaking have fallen into desuetude under the Bush administration.
Today's bonehead move: Bush still supports Rumsfeld even though the entire Army brass wants him gone, you know - people who actually know something about how to run a military.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness.
The cessation of use; discontinuance of practice or custom; disuse.
Use: Reason and common sense in policymaking have fallen into desuetude under the Bush administration.
Today's bonehead move: Bush still supports Rumsfeld even though the entire Army brass wants him gone, you know - people who actually know something about how to run a military.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
On Prodi's victory
After a few years of the right, the world is beginning to wake up. Prodi's victory in Italy, a country who has been ruled by a typically-corrupt rightwinger since us Americans have had to deal with Dubya, is a major setback to thoses Euroskeptic corporatists who care more about profits than quality of life. This is as much a victory for the global left as it is an Italian victory.
Onto November!
Onto November!
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Journalistic dishonesty
Cheny booed after his errant first pitch
Cheney was booed before he even took the mound. It had nothing to do with his inability to throw a baseball, like this WaPo "journalist" states.
It must be mentioned that old Bushie was too chicken to throw out the first pitch in DC. He chose good old Sieg heil Cincinnati, where he knew he would get the least amount of boos from the sheeple. Cheney got it handed to him today.
Cheney was booed before he even took the mound. It had nothing to do with his inability to throw a baseball, like this WaPo "journalist" states.
It must be mentioned that old Bushie was too chicken to throw out the first pitch in DC. He chose good old Sieg heil Cincinnati, where he knew he would get the least amount of boos from the sheeple. Cheney got it handed to him today.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Oh, look, drug companies 'inventing diseases to boost their profits'
PHARMACEUTICAL companies are systematically creating diseases in order to sell more of their products, turning healthy people into patients and placing many at risk of harm, a special edition of a leading medical journal claims today.Gee, that's shocking. Who would have thought it?
The practice of “diseasemongering” by the drug industry is promoting non-existent illnesses or exaggerating minor ones for the sake of profits, according to a set of essays published by the open-access journal Public Library of Science Medicine.
[/sarc]
Sunday, April 9, 2006
Hey moms and dads!
Are you ready for your sons and possibly daughters to get drafted to go to war? Because that is what's going to happen when we go into Iran. Iran's military is not a joke like Saddam's was, and our own military is overextended because of the incomptency of this administration.
Don't give me that "it can't happen to me" attitude, because it can and will happen.
So, if you voted for Bush, I hope your kids are the first ones to go in. Oh, and one other thing: thanks a lot for ruining our country. Why do you hate America so?
U.S. Is Studying Military Strike Options on Iran
Don't give me that "it can't happen to me" attitude, because it can and will happen.
So, if you voted for Bush, I hope your kids are the first ones to go in. Oh, and one other thing: thanks a lot for ruining our country. Why do you hate America so?
U.S. Is Studying Military Strike Options on Iran
Progressive Service Announcement
A call from Preemptive Karma:
Netroots call to action!
The Bush White House is declining to deny that President Bush or Vice President Cheney authorized the leaking of national security information thru Scooter Libby. The implications are stupendous! But... Peter Daou understates the obvious,
The question over the next several days is whether or not we'll get a functioning triangle on the left, a coming together of the netroots, the Democratic establishment and the press to bring this story to a head. If so, Bush and his administration will sustain major political damage; if not, this will follow a long string of similar outrages into the memory hole. My head tells me that the elements are in place for the former, my gut tells me that despite an initial flurry, we're headed for the latter. Time will tell.
The Democratic establishment has a long track record of failure when it comes to holding Bushco accountable in a meaningful way. Likewise, the press. So that means it's up to the netroots to force the issue!
As I wrote earlier today, Digby asks the question of the century:
If the president was willing to authorize leaking of national security information to reporters for political purposes, why should we believe he won't authorize warrantless wiretaps on Americans for political purposes?
Digby's got a winner there!
Here's what I propose:
* Commit yourself to writing a letter to the editor of your local newspaper paraphrasing Digby's question in your own words.
* If you write for a blog, write a similar call to action by the netroots. Let's make a blog swarm out of this!
* Write to ten other bloggers and ask them to participate in the blog swarm, both committing to writing a letter themselves and asking their readers to do the same.
* Leave it up! Make it your top post for the entire weekend.
Thursday, April 6, 2006
FUGW
Former Cheney Aide: Bush Authorized Iraq Intelligence LeakWorst.
President.
Ever.
This move was a purely political move, really, really pathetic. Sure, destroy someone's career because they proved you were wrong about something. This is grounds for impeachment. Worse than Nixon.
You know, I haven't said anything about W in a long time, but I have to say something now. What a jerk. What a spiteful, malicious, self-absorbed jerk.
Ooooh, the evil terrorists!
This is the stupid kind of rightwing paranoia that is making this world insane and killing freedom and civil liberties.
LONDON, England (Reuters) -- British anti-terrorism detectives escorted a man from a plane after a taxi driver had earlier become suspicious when he started singing along to a track by punk band The Clash, police said on Wednesday.
Detectives halted the London-bound flight at Durham Tees Valley Airport in northern England and Harraj Mann, 24, was taken off.
The taxi driver had become worried on the way to the airport because Mann had been singing along to The Clash's 1979 anthem "London Calling," which features the lyrics "Now war is declared -- and battle come down" while other lines warn of a "meltdown expected".
Mann told British newspapers the taxi had been fitted with a music system which allowed him to plug in his MP3 player and he had been playing The Clash, Procol Harum, Led Zeppelin and the Beatles to the driver.
"He didn't like Led Zeppelin or The Clash but I don't think there was any need to tell the police," Mann told the Daily Mirror.
A Durham police spokeswoman said Mann had been released after questioning -- but had missed his flight.
"The report was made with the best of intentions and we wouldn't want to discourage people from contacting us with genuine concerns," she said.
It's a bad day to be on the Christian(TM) right
I thought it interesting that two articles providing rational insight into some religious topics appear in today's WaPo.They found the missing link between fish and land animals in EVOLUTION.
Jesus walked on ICE rather than water.
But - when you don't live in reality, reality doesn't matter to you, does it?
Tuesday, April 4, 2006
Cluck-U, American Dream!
Zoning laws are some of the most anti-capitalist laws in the world. They tell who can own what business in what part of town. Now, zoning laws, when used to keep businesses out of quiet neighborhoods make sense. But when you start dictating what types of businesses are allowed to be in a neighborhood based on race or class, there's a problem.
Northeast Washington isn't exactly Georgetown. However, parts of it have been or are being gentrified, following many neighborhoods in its Northwest counterpart. The H Street corridor is the latest area to be the next section of DC to undergo gentrification. With this revitalization comes higher classes trying to dictate what types of businesses can get permits in the area.
You'll often hear wealthier people say, "if they don't like it, they can move." Well, why can't the wealthier people move? The poorer people were in the neighborhood first. Why should a guy with a legitimate permit to do business have his business shut down because the place isn't a place one can go to sit "at an outdoor cafe sipping wine?" Just get your lazy butt off the couch and go to one of the many other establishments in the city where you can do just that!
Good luck, Mr. Gibson, and Cluck-U, Advisory Neighborhood Commission!
Northeast Washington isn't exactly Georgetown. However, parts of it have been or are being gentrified, following many neighborhoods in its Northwest counterpart. The H Street corridor is the latest area to be the next section of DC to undergo gentrification. With this revitalization comes higher classes trying to dictate what types of businesses can get permits in the area.
Bernard Gibson had a simple wish: to open a Cluck-U Chicken in the H Street neighborhood where his grandparents have lived for decades. Bound and determined, he held two jobs to squirrel away the cash: He owned a carwash and worked as a mechanic for the city. Last year, after selling the carwash, he got a permit for a sit-down restaurant and opened his dream.Property is supposed to be a sacred tenet of American democracy. Just like you don't censor someone for saying something you don't like, you don't bar someone from owning a business you don't like. Small businesses are the backbone of this country, and business owners provide the framework for the middle class. People are saying that the race card is being played in this battle over Cluck-U and that race has nothing to do with it. However, it has everything to do with it. Maybe it's not conscious racism, but it is definitely classism, and it's an indisputable fact that blacks earn lower incomes than whites. But see, in order for minorities to move up the social ladder, you need minority business owners, and many minority business owners are not in the position to open four star restaurants in their first at bat. Yet, if they are continuously pushed further and further from the city center, they are never going to have the stability to own businesses and move up the social ladder.
But in the age-old way that one person's dream is another's bedevilment, the local Advisory Neighborhood Commission said not so fast: H Street in Northeast Washington is a strip trying to shed its bedraggled past and become a gleaming urban paradise.
Cluck-U is not a sit-down restaurant, the ANC argued. It's a fast-food joint, just like McDonald's and Burger King, and, under zoning laws, neighbors should have had a say before it opened. Because they never got that chance, the ANC wants Cluck-U's permit stripped, an appeal it will make at a hearing today, as the struggle over H Street's future heats up.
You'll often hear wealthier people say, "if they don't like it, they can move." Well, why can't the wealthier people move? The poorer people were in the neighborhood first. Why should a guy with a legitimate permit to do business have his business shut down because the place isn't a place one can go to sit "at an outdoor cafe sipping wine?" Just get your lazy butt off the couch and go to one of the many other establishments in the city where you can do just that!
Good luck, Mr. Gibson, and Cluck-U, Advisory Neighborhood Commission!
Monday, April 3, 2006
20 Ways to Survive Tourist Season in DC
I put this up last year as one of my first blog posts. Thought it was appropriate, at least until I finish a real post, if that ever happens.
1. Don’t drive! Everyone knows that driving in DC is as stressful as meeting your fiancé’s parents for the first time, but tourists who have never encountered a roundabout are enough to drive a Buddhist monk to road rage. They can’t decide what lane to get into. They drive two miles per hour while passing buildings we see every day. They drive two miles per hour when they can’t figure out how to get somewhere. In addition, the extra duck boats and tourist buses are a real headache, especially when they are loading/unloading or double parked so the tourists can take photos. Your lungs and nose will be left in discomfort if you get stuck being an exhaust spewing coach that is taking up two lanes so you can’t pass it.
2. Keep your distance from the Mall. A million extra people are crammed into this space at various points throughout the season. As residents, we have year round access to the monuments, so we can visit in the autumn when these people go back to where they came from. Going to this area just invites frustration.
3. Visit restaurants and bars in non-tourist sections of DC. There are many great establishments further out in DC like those in Tenleytown or Chevy Chase. Those residents located in more central DC should explore these places in an effort to reduce the crowds at centrally located establishments. Besides, who wants to sit next to a family of four rambling on about how they are going to do this and that as if they were the first and only family to ever see these sites?
4. Watch out for the parking nazis. With tourist season, the DC parking police are out in full force. If you have to drive, you’ll spend extra driving time looking for a legitimate spot to park (do those exist?) DC would rather you drive home drunk than leave your car overnight in a no-parking zone, so just remember to find a legit place to park and leave it there!
5. Go on daytrips. DC is so close to many great historic sites that will be populated with tourists who are not interfering with your day-to-day activities. It will be a break from the maddening frustration you feel since your city has been invaded by outsiders. A great activity is hiking in Shenandoah. Being outside gives you some elbow room, and some fresh air will do you good.
6. Have more cookouts with friends. Instead of going out, turn your house/apartment into a place of entertainment! It clears up the streets, reduces crowding in bars, and can be fun if you know how to host. If you’re a bad host, persuade your friends to do it at their places. If you have no friends, ask your block if they want to throw a street party. It is an excellent way to finally get a life and have some friends! Provided that you don’t live on a main road with no way to cookout, you could even get a permit to shut down the street for a few hours to let the kids play.
7. Leave for work a little early. This is especially true if you ride Metro, since the tourists will be wandering out of their hotels wanting to get an “early start.” Although it sucks to lose those precious extra minutes of sleep, it is worth it to avoid stressing out and getting pushed around on an already crowded Metro or sidewalk. A plus to this is that you will actually have more time in the day to pursue your goals in life. Stop putting off your dreams!
8. Don’t even try to get a seat on the Metro. Tourists don’t want to be bothered with moving their bags from the empty seats beside them. They don’t care if their party of ten is hogging the whole car. They don’t care if their children are running up and down the train. They don’t seem to know that people actually LIVE in DC. It’s like a giant museum to them. If you have to use Metro, and this is especially true on the blue line, enter with the assumption that you will be standing on top of some stranger. If you’re lucky, he will have showered in the morning. Setting your mind to standing, even if you have to ride for a half hour, will greatly reduce the psychological tension you may feel when entering the crowded train.
If you must sit down while riding, here are a few tips:
Know where to stand on the platform. Getting to the doors first is half the battle.
Learn to recognize the signs of a person who is about to get up. This includes folding a newspaper, packing a bag, or just general shuffling.
Win your seat. Don’t hesitate or it’s gone.
9. Wear earplugs or headphones on the Metro and other public places. Tourists don’t care if the whole train hears their conversations about what television shows they are going to watch in their hotel rooms at night (because god forbide they miss their shows.) They don’t care if their kids are screaming in public places. You will hear, “Hello! I’m on the subway!” countless times over the summer from cell phone wielding tourists who find it necessary to call home every hour like they are missing out on life by being away from the burbs. Beware of the tourist from Texas, because they are especially loud. You will notice them by their hats. Texans tend to believe that the world revolves around Texas.
10. Always look ahead when walking. Those of us who live in DC are usually trying to get somewhere. Tourists, on the other hand, are happy to stay exactly where they are. Being ignorant of the ways of the capital, tourists will happily stop dead in the middle of the sidewalk or even the road for a photo. Two tourists can completely block a sidewalk in seconds, causing pedestrian gridlock. Large groups of schoolchildren, if left unattended, can suddenly seal off half of the city. The worst is a tourist with a cell phone. Also, beware of tourists with backpacks, for they can decide to stop suddenly and swing the backpack with no regard to their surroundings. This is especially dangerous if they have been shopping, for the packs are fuller. When using sidewalks, you may want to wear a helmet.
11. Be prepared for physical contact. If there is anything worse than big groups of tourists on the sidewalks, it is big groups of tourists on the escalator at the Woodley Park-Zoo/Adams Morgan stop blocking the entire escalator as they play with their panda toys and complain that they threw their Metro card away. After all, how could they know that they’d need to take a return trip? During times like these, you need to put your head down, square your shoulders, and plow through them. Don’t let their comments of rudeness deter you, for you have become a mirror, and they are only calling themselves names.
12. Carry a garbage bag with you. With the millions of tourists comes litter. You have to wonder what some of the communities where these people live look like. And how in the world can people eat so many chips? If you don’t feel like carrying the garbage bag, you can at least bend down to pick up garbage that doesn’t make your hand sticky.
13. Be prepared for ignorant comments. The most common idiocies you’ll overhear are arguments about which state DC is in, what the name of the Washington Monument is, and almost anything political that comes from a tourist’s mouth. The trick is to learn to ignore these things or to be prepared to interject with correct facts. If you wish to do the latter, be prepared for those tourists who are offended by a stranger talking to them. A common reaction to this is a facial mutation where the tourist looks like he has just seen an alien. Some other comments:
“I'd lika one of them there latta things- with uh an extra shot of that expressa stuff.”
“How many more opportunities are we gonna have to see the monuments before they get bombed?”
“Is that the post office where they had the anthrax?” (said about any post office they pass)
14. Have your money out and ready to pay while in line. Tourists slow down lines. Sometimes it may seem like you aren’t even moving. They have to dig through their fanny packs or their backpacks to find their money. Be weary of the ones that have separate credit cards for different expenses like hotel, food, and souvenirs. Also watch out for squirmy children who appear out of nowhere when you are carrying coffee or food. It may end up on the ground or on you if you are not careful.
15. Be entertained by them! They can do some really idiotic things, so if you want a means of free entertainment, park yourself at a bench in an area populated by tourists and just watch.
16. Beware of protests. With the warmer weather comes protest season. This means streets are closed, activists come from all parts of the country, and hearts adorn sleeves. With protests inevitably come counter-protests, and the potential for clashes, even violent ones, is real. The protests sometimes can be entertaining to watch or take part in, but be vigilant. The recent crackdown on civil liberties in the country has taken away the full right to assembly, and there is always the risk that an innocent bystander could be arrested.
17. Wear political gear. A lot of people who voted for the Emperor are going to be visiting the city. Let them know that they may have given you that guy, but they are in the minority when they come to your town. Did you take your bumper sticker off? Put it back on! Put your sign back up!
18. Encourage your friends and family to wait until the off season to visit. The fewer people we have here during crunch time, the easier our lives will be.
19. Be nice to them. They are good for the local economy, for one thing. For another, they are actually getting off their couches and trying new things and should be commended for that. Teach them something- you’ll only make the world a little better place by reducing ignorance. You can always curse them in the privacy of your home.
20. Think positive! At least it’s not the Inauguration!
1. Don’t drive! Everyone knows that driving in DC is as stressful as meeting your fiancé’s parents for the first time, but tourists who have never encountered a roundabout are enough to drive a Buddhist monk to road rage. They can’t decide what lane to get into. They drive two miles per hour while passing buildings we see every day. They drive two miles per hour when they can’t figure out how to get somewhere. In addition, the extra duck boats and tourist buses are a real headache, especially when they are loading/unloading or double parked so the tourists can take photos. Your lungs and nose will be left in discomfort if you get stuck being an exhaust spewing coach that is taking up two lanes so you can’t pass it.
2. Keep your distance from the Mall. A million extra people are crammed into this space at various points throughout the season. As residents, we have year round access to the monuments, so we can visit in the autumn when these people go back to where they came from. Going to this area just invites frustration.
3. Visit restaurants and bars in non-tourist sections of DC. There are many great establishments further out in DC like those in Tenleytown or Chevy Chase. Those residents located in more central DC should explore these places in an effort to reduce the crowds at centrally located establishments. Besides, who wants to sit next to a family of four rambling on about how they are going to do this and that as if they were the first and only family to ever see these sites?
4. Watch out for the parking nazis. With tourist season, the DC parking police are out in full force. If you have to drive, you’ll spend extra driving time looking for a legitimate spot to park (do those exist?) DC would rather you drive home drunk than leave your car overnight in a no-parking zone, so just remember to find a legit place to park and leave it there!
5. Go on daytrips. DC is so close to many great historic sites that will be populated with tourists who are not interfering with your day-to-day activities. It will be a break from the maddening frustration you feel since your city has been invaded by outsiders. A great activity is hiking in Shenandoah. Being outside gives you some elbow room, and some fresh air will do you good.
6. Have more cookouts with friends. Instead of going out, turn your house/apartment into a place of entertainment! It clears up the streets, reduces crowding in bars, and can be fun if you know how to host. If you’re a bad host, persuade your friends to do it at their places. If you have no friends, ask your block if they want to throw a street party. It is an excellent way to finally get a life and have some friends! Provided that you don’t live on a main road with no way to cookout, you could even get a permit to shut down the street for a few hours to let the kids play.
7. Leave for work a little early. This is especially true if you ride Metro, since the tourists will be wandering out of their hotels wanting to get an “early start.” Although it sucks to lose those precious extra minutes of sleep, it is worth it to avoid stressing out and getting pushed around on an already crowded Metro or sidewalk. A plus to this is that you will actually have more time in the day to pursue your goals in life. Stop putting off your dreams!
8. Don’t even try to get a seat on the Metro. Tourists don’t want to be bothered with moving their bags from the empty seats beside them. They don’t care if their party of ten is hogging the whole car. They don’t care if their children are running up and down the train. They don’t seem to know that people actually LIVE in DC. It’s like a giant museum to them. If you have to use Metro, and this is especially true on the blue line, enter with the assumption that you will be standing on top of some stranger. If you’re lucky, he will have showered in the morning. Setting your mind to standing, even if you have to ride for a half hour, will greatly reduce the psychological tension you may feel when entering the crowded train.
If you must sit down while riding, here are a few tips:
Know where to stand on the platform. Getting to the doors first is half the battle.
Learn to recognize the signs of a person who is about to get up. This includes folding a newspaper, packing a bag, or just general shuffling.
Win your seat. Don’t hesitate or it’s gone.
9. Wear earplugs or headphones on the Metro and other public places. Tourists don’t care if the whole train hears their conversations about what television shows they are going to watch in their hotel rooms at night (because god forbide they miss their shows.) They don’t care if their kids are screaming in public places. You will hear, “Hello! I’m on the subway!” countless times over the summer from cell phone wielding tourists who find it necessary to call home every hour like they are missing out on life by being away from the burbs. Beware of the tourist from Texas, because they are especially loud. You will notice them by their hats. Texans tend to believe that the world revolves around Texas.
10. Always look ahead when walking. Those of us who live in DC are usually trying to get somewhere. Tourists, on the other hand, are happy to stay exactly where they are. Being ignorant of the ways of the capital, tourists will happily stop dead in the middle of the sidewalk or even the road for a photo. Two tourists can completely block a sidewalk in seconds, causing pedestrian gridlock. Large groups of schoolchildren, if left unattended, can suddenly seal off half of the city. The worst is a tourist with a cell phone. Also, beware of tourists with backpacks, for they can decide to stop suddenly and swing the backpack with no regard to their surroundings. This is especially dangerous if they have been shopping, for the packs are fuller. When using sidewalks, you may want to wear a helmet.
11. Be prepared for physical contact. If there is anything worse than big groups of tourists on the sidewalks, it is big groups of tourists on the escalator at the Woodley Park-Zoo/Adams Morgan stop blocking the entire escalator as they play with their panda toys and complain that they threw their Metro card away. After all, how could they know that they’d need to take a return trip? During times like these, you need to put your head down, square your shoulders, and plow through them. Don’t let their comments of rudeness deter you, for you have become a mirror, and they are only calling themselves names.
12. Carry a garbage bag with you. With the millions of tourists comes litter. You have to wonder what some of the communities where these people live look like. And how in the world can people eat so many chips? If you don’t feel like carrying the garbage bag, you can at least bend down to pick up garbage that doesn’t make your hand sticky.
13. Be prepared for ignorant comments. The most common idiocies you’ll overhear are arguments about which state DC is in, what the name of the Washington Monument is, and almost anything political that comes from a tourist’s mouth. The trick is to learn to ignore these things or to be prepared to interject with correct facts. If you wish to do the latter, be prepared for those tourists who are offended by a stranger talking to them. A common reaction to this is a facial mutation where the tourist looks like he has just seen an alien. Some other comments:
“I'd lika one of them there latta things- with uh an extra shot of that expressa stuff.”
“How many more opportunities are we gonna have to see the monuments before they get bombed?”
“Is that the post office where they had the anthrax?” (said about any post office they pass)
14. Have your money out and ready to pay while in line. Tourists slow down lines. Sometimes it may seem like you aren’t even moving. They have to dig through their fanny packs or their backpacks to find their money. Be weary of the ones that have separate credit cards for different expenses like hotel, food, and souvenirs. Also watch out for squirmy children who appear out of nowhere when you are carrying coffee or food. It may end up on the ground or on you if you are not careful.
15. Be entertained by them! They can do some really idiotic things, so if you want a means of free entertainment, park yourself at a bench in an area populated by tourists and just watch.
16. Beware of protests. With the warmer weather comes protest season. This means streets are closed, activists come from all parts of the country, and hearts adorn sleeves. With protests inevitably come counter-protests, and the potential for clashes, even violent ones, is real. The protests sometimes can be entertaining to watch or take part in, but be vigilant. The recent crackdown on civil liberties in the country has taken away the full right to assembly, and there is always the risk that an innocent bystander could be arrested.
17. Wear political gear. A lot of people who voted for the Emperor are going to be visiting the city. Let them know that they may have given you that guy, but they are in the minority when they come to your town. Did you take your bumper sticker off? Put it back on! Put your sign back up!
18. Encourage your friends and family to wait until the off season to visit. The fewer people we have here during crunch time, the easier our lives will be.
19. Be nice to them. They are good for the local economy, for one thing. For another, they are actually getting off their couches and trying new things and should be commended for that. Teach them something- you’ll only make the world a little better place by reducing ignorance. You can always curse them in the privacy of your home.
20. Think positive! At least it’s not the Inauguration!
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